Coffee Should be Manly

I have not written enough, yet, about The Greatness of Coffee.  When Adam and Eve were thrown out of Eden because of their sin, God had mercy on them and gave them animal hides to wear.  I’m pretty sure He also gave them coffee, because a fallen world needs coffee.

When I refer to coffee, I don’t mean designer coffee drinks with hazelnut and praline and mint and tulips, I mean dark, bold, manly coffee, coffee that butt-kicking, rogue space pilots drink.


2 Starbucks in Starbucks

Starbucks at Starbucks

Most mornings I grind my own bold cup of Caffeinated Grace, but now and then I grab a 9-1-1 drive-through Cup of Joe to get me to work.  On the way to work the other day, I gave in to the temptation to swing through McDonalds for McCoffee with a McMuffin. It was a half mistake.

McMuffin = Strange, egg-like perfection

McCoffee = McSwill

So heinous was the McCoffee, that I found myself seeking yet another cup of Java to cleanse the offensive beverage from my tongue.  My only option: a new Panera drive through.


Panera Coffee Cup

Strange Brew

Such a big cup of coffee from a restaurant whose unspoken slogan is “Panera – Food for Girls…” little, strangely seasoned sandwiches served with broccoli soup and a crunchy bread thing for dipping.

Nonetheless, Panera was my Last Best Hope for a decent cup of coffee, so I made for the drive up speaker.  I ordered my large cup of coffee in forceful, masculine fashion.  A tiny, female voice answered back, “Be sure to have your Panera Card ready when you drive to the pick up window.”

As much as I like to make fun of them, this particular Panera is on my way to work, and it crossed my mind that getting special deals on coffee is always a good idea.  So when I got to the window I asked, “This is my first time here, what do I have to do to register for a frequent buyer card?”

The perky, customer service pixie just smiled and said, “There’s no registration.  You just give me your Man Card and I’ll give you a Panera Card.”

I paid my 8 bits for the coffee and hastily drove away.  Honestly, it was pretty good coffee, but I’m going to start praying that someone puts a Tim Horton’s along my drive to work.  That’s a manly coffee, right?  I’m pretty sure Tim Horton was a hockey player.

What do you think is the Best Manly Coffee?

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4 Responses to Coffee Should be Manly

  1. Chris November 26, 2013 at 8:49 am #

    I also prefer to grind my own & brew to the perfect consistency akin to well-used 5w motor oil. No fillers either, other than a wee bit of sugar to which i would never admit since it cant be seen. Luckily, I work from home, so finding time to brew a cup is never a problem. Although, about once a month, i am forced to venture out of the house northward without coffee brewer in tow….Thank God, our corporate office has a Starbucks on the premises to satisfy my needs in otherwise desolate SE Indiana. During my travels in route, i have found that Pilot has a wide variety of coffee, and if you go for the darkest available, it is fairly decent. I assume, the kind that butt-kicking, rogue truckers drink.

    • JTAdamson November 26, 2013 at 9:17 am #

      Pilot? I’ll have to remember that.

      Two things demand butt kicking coffee more loudly than anything else:

      1. Monday mornings
      2. Road trips


  2. Ricky Anderson November 26, 2013 at 8:48 am #

    Tim Horton’s? Where are you located?

    • JTAdamson November 26, 2013 at 9:11 am #

      My precise location is a closely guarded secret since I entered the witness protection program. (I know who really killed JFK. Just between you and me, space aliens and Walt Disney were involved)

      But I can tell you that we are blessed with that wiley Canadians coffee here in the Midwest. :-)

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