Coffee Should be Manly

I have not written enough, yet, about The Greatness of Coffee.  When Adam and Eve were thrown out of Eden because of their sin, God had mercy on them and gave them animal hides to wear.  I’m pretty sure He also gave them coffee, because a fallen world needs coffee.

When I refer to coffee, I don’t mean designer coffee drinks with hazelnut and praline and mint and tulips, I mean dark, bold, manly coffee, coffee that butt-kicking, rogue space pilots drink.


2 Starbucks in Starbucks
Starbucks at Starbucks

Most mornings I grind my own bold cup of Caffeinated Grace, but now and then I grab a 9-1-1 drive-through Cup of Joe to get me to work.  On the way to work the other day, I gave in to the temptation to swing through McDonalds for McCoffee with a McMuffin. It was a half mistake.

McMuffin = Strange, egg-like perfection

McCoffee = McSwill

So heinous was the McCoffee, that I found myself seeking yet another cup of Java to cleanse the offensive beverage from my tongue.  My only option: a new Panera drive through.


Panera Coffee Cup
Strange Brew

Such a big cup of coffee from a restaurant whose unspoken slogan is “Panera – Food for Girls…” little, strangely seasoned sandwiches served with broccoli soup and a crunchy bread thing for dipping.

Nonetheless, Panera was my Last Best Hope for a decent cup of coffee, so I made for the drive up speaker.  I ordered my large cup of coffee in forceful, masculine fashion.  A tiny, female voice answered back, “Be sure to have your Panera Card ready when you drive to the pick up window.”

As much as I like to make fun of them, this particular Panera is on my way to work, and it crossed my mind that getting special deals on coffee is always a good idea.  So when I got to the window I asked, “This is my first time here, what do I have to do to register for a frequent buyer card?”

The perky, customer service pixie just smiled and said, “There’s no registration.  You just give me your Man Card and I’ll give you a Panera Card.”

I paid my 8 bits for the coffee and hastily drove away.  Honestly, it was pretty good coffee, but I’m going to start praying that someone puts a Tim Horton’s along my drive to work.  That’s a manly coffee, right?  I’m pretty sure Tim Horton was a hockey player.

What do you think is the Best Manly Coffee?

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Hi. I'm JT Adamson. I'm like a One Stop Shop for funny stuff from a perplexed conservative Christian geek. It's humor that's aimed at grown ups, but safe for kids. Grab life by the hat and join the fun!