Why is it that we treat people like idiots when it comes to weather?  I’ve lived with weather all my life, yet most weather reports make it sound like I have no idea how to deal with snow, heat, wind, or rain.

Our local fire department, for instance, decided to post this important update:

Everywhere I look, the grass is brown and the ground is parched and cracked.  Trees are shedding their leaves in July.  When I walk out of the house in the morning, the weight of the heat and the humidity hits me in the face like a smelly washcloth soaked in tepid pond water.

I need to hydrate and hydrate often?  No kidding.

If there are people who got to adulthood in the midwest without knowing that you need to drink water when it’s like the surface of Mercury outside, I’ve got to believe that they don’t know what the word hydrate means either.  Is hydrate the yellow thing the firefighters plug their fire hoses into?

If they’re really aiming for educating the completely clueless, I think the sign should read:

 HEY HOMER! DRINK LESS BEER

DRINK MORE WATER

IT’S HOT

Honestly, though, the fire department is just playing along in our cultural symphony of weather banality.  Take, for instance, the Storm Team Weather Gurus’ forecast for every day in the summer when there isn’t a drought or a deluge going on: Continue Reading…

This is one of the most popular posts in AOB’s young life, so for you more recent readers who haven’t ventured back to this blog’s humble beginnings, here’s a shocking expose from last year – JT

J Lo shook the world to it’s already uncertain foundation this week by way of a shocking revelation that has set the public reeling, causing us to question truths we once held dear.  What’s the paradigm shifting news?  Are you sitting down?

In a recent Fiat commercial, Ms. Lopez is seen driving a 2012 Fiat 500 through her old neighborhood in the Bronx, but the Guardians of Truth, Huffpost Celebrity (and many others),  have revealed this:

According to The Smoking Gun, Lopez’s pictured Fiat jaunt through the streets of her old Bronx neighborhood is a sham.

A sham?  A farce?  In a commercial?  Be still my heart!  It’s true!  The LA Times tells us:

Lopez surveys her “surroundings,” while declaring, “They may be just streets to you, but to me, they’re a playground.”

The quotes around the word “surroundings” are, in this case, the journalistic equivalent of snarky “finger quotes”.  You see, it appears that J Lo’s closeups were shot in LA, while a body double was used for the wider shots that were really shot in the Bronx.  She didn’t go to the Bronx to film the commercial.

As a responsible blogger, I care about my readers, so I did some digging and I’ve discovered that this kind of duplicity is RAMPANT in Hollywood.  Most notably, the entire Star Wars double trilogy was NOT shot a long time ago, and the galaxy, rather than being far, far away, was RIGHT HERE ON EARTH.  What next? Barney isn’t really a dinosaur?  Ellen Pompeo isn’t really a doctor?  Sham Wow isn’t really chamois?  Wow! Continue Reading…

Alice in Obama-land – The story behind the story behind the story

You no doubt have heard the stunning revelation by now:  The Huffington Post says Rush Limbaugh says a New York Times reporter says White House staffers say that in 2009, the White House threw a secret Halloween Party based on the 2009 film Alice in Wonderland.  It is said that Director Tim Burton decorated the ballroom for the festivities and was on hand for the event, joined by Johnny Depp in costume and character as the Mad Hatter.

I know this rocks your world, but there’s more you must know.

If you read news stories on this, you’ll find criticisms firing from all quarters on issues including government waste,  White House/News Media complicity in a cover up, and claims of Much Ado About Nothing, but everyone is missing the real story.

You see, not only was there an Alice in a Tim Burton-esqe Freaky Wonderland Party at the White House, it is also the case that George Lucas sent Chewbacca to join in the festivities.

Nothing says Alice in Wonderland like Chewbacca.… Satisfy your yearning to read more

The boy who cried “Wolf!” may have been committing a horrible mistake, but at least his exclamation point was properly used.  Exclamation Point Abuse is everywhere.  Don’t believe me?  Just wait!  I have examples!

Today I saw the sad-but-true news of yet another Hollywood divorce that came with a sad-but-true use of exclamation points.  This is hard for me to write about because I find anything to do with Russell Brand a little creepy.

Nonetheless, this is the first 4 sentences of the story at imdb:

Even though Russell maintains his sobriety, Katy’s lifestyle made it difficult for him to resist temptation! Katy Perry and Russell Brand are splitting up, and sources close to the couple say Katy’s party girl ways caused the split! Russell, 36, filed for divorce on Dec. 30 after rumors of fighting with Katy, 27. But now TMZ reports that Katy’s superstar lifestyle drove a wedge between them from the beginning!

In case you weren’t counting, that was 3 out of 4 sentences ending in an exclamation point.  By the time I got to “!” number three, I had stopped seeing them completely.  The “!” to “.”  ratio would be remarkable regardless of the topic, but a 75% exclamation point ratio is particularly odd when the topic is divorce. I’ve had plenty of friends who’ve gotten divorced, but I never found myself writing about it like this:

Bob and Mary are divorcing!  Bob’s obsession with LOST and Star Trek drove a wedge between them!  Mary tells me that her hatred of JJ Abrams has been a point of contention with Bob since before their marriage!

… Satisfy your yearning to read more