I’m all for saying things nicely, but the business of euphemisms has been kicked into overdrive in the death and dying world.

There was a time not too long ago, that…

After someone died
you contacted an undertaker
who worked at a mortuary.

He took possession of the corpse
that was embalmed
and placed in a coffin.

At the appointed time, there was a viewing
before the funeral.

After the funeral, the coffin was put in a hearse
and taken to a graveyard
where a grave has been dug by a gravedigger.

After the service, flowers were left behind
and everybody went to a wake.

Later, a tombstone would be placed.

Now there’s no death in dying at all!

After someone dies passes away
you contact an undertaker a funeral director
who works at a mortuary memorial chapel.

He takes possession of the corpse remains
that are then embalmed preserved
and placed in a coffin casket.

At the appointed time, there is a viewing are calling hours
before the funeral memorial service. Continue Reading…

Apparently, you don’t have to be a genius to make your living as a technical writer.  At all.

Naturally, I’m saying this because I experienced it first hand.  Last Tuesday night at 11:30, I went to the sink, turned on the water, and nothing came out.  For you city folks, this might mean you didn’t pay your water bill.  For us country folks, it means the well is out.

Awesome.

In the same way that there’s never a good time for a root canal, there’s never a good time to work on your well.

But you’re thinking, “JT!  You can buy a new pump!  It will slide into the place where the old pump was!  And besides, you’ll have an installation instruction manual!”

Silly reader.

I won’t bore you with 2 days of multiple trips to the hardware store, buying over a hundred dollars worth of fittings I don’t need (the return counter is going to love me), and hours spent fighting to extract an old well pump from pipes that remember the day JFK was assassinated.  I will, as Prince Humperdinck would say, “Skip to the end.”

Thursday, with my hard fought plumbing job done, I prepared to prime the pump.  A new, dry pump can’t begin to do its work without water inside it.  For advice on how to accomplish this, I turned to the instruction manual, which was no doubt written by Mr. Technical Writer, who likely has a Masters Degree in Technical Writing.  I quote:

TO PRIME:  Remove pressure regulator, put a garden hose into the top of the pump discharge and fill and pump with water until water overflows from top of pump.  This may take a several minutes.

Hey, thanks Mr. Technical Writer.  I’d love to fill my well pump with water from my garden hose IF I HAD A WORKING WELL PUMP!!!

Fear not.  No thanks to Mr. Technical Writer, the operation was completed successfully.

But who is this guy?  My guess is that Mr. Technical Writer used to be Mr. Advice Column Writer, instructing women about how to choose the right bra size.  I know, I know, how would I know anything about that?  Let’s just say I need to get my hair cut at a place that has more manly reading material in the waiting room. Continue Reading…

On my way to work today, I was passed by an Armada.  No, it wasn’t the fleet of 130 Spanish ships that sailed to conquer England in 1588, only to suffer crushing defeat and the destruction of over 1/3 of their vessels.  This Armada was an SUV.

I wondered to myself, “Who’s the genius who decided to name an SUV Armada?”  Then, at lunch time, I went to the drive through at the bank, right behind an Aveo, which was next to an Alero.

Serious-oh?

Aveo may be Latin for desire, but let’s not start using Latin words for car names, because then only doctors, lawyers, and home schooled children will know what they mean.  Oh, and Alero is Spanish for “the projecting part of a roof.”  The Chevy Parapet can’t be far behind.

Wake up, America!

Every day you are surrounded by cars with model names that may well be harbingers of the decline of Western Civilization.

I give you….

The Worst Car Model Names in America

Achieva – Or “Under Achieva” as the case may be.

Aerio – That TV thing-io that is up on my roof-io.

Aspire – Like aspiring to be a cool car, and failing.

Azera – Doesn’t he do voices on the Simpsons?

Aztek – They spelled it wrong.  Are they out of their Mayans?

Bravada – Is it the female version of bravado, as in “defiant or swaggering behavior”?

Charade – A game of pretend.  I don’t want a pretend car.

Citation – That’s fancy talk for “ticket.”  Hello officer.  You won’t give a citation to a Citation would you?

Cube – Unfortunately, an accurate name.

Equinox – You can only drive it on March 21 and September 21.

Firenza – I hope my car-ienza doesn’t catch Firenza.

Fit – As in “hissy” or “conniption”? Continue Reading…

In case you haven’t heard, the interwebs are all a-flutter with news of a new trend brought to us by “fashion forward” designers.  In case you aren’t aware, “fashion forward” is a euphemistic abbreviation that summarizes the existence of clothing that is designed by those who think they are brilliant to be worn by those who don’t know any better.

It’s Theater of the Absurd for the Runway.

Enter from stage left:  pantyhose for men…  Brosiery, or, as Italian designer Emilio Cavallini puts it Mantyhose.

Hey!  Wait a minute!  I remember this when it was an episode of Seinfeld!

True, and the “bro” never really took off, but now, under the banner “everything old is new again,”  James Poulos of Forbes has written an article Five Reasons Mantyhose Could Be the Next Spanx.

In the interest of rescuing our nation from men’s pantyhose, I will now delve into an in-depth refutation of Mr. Poulos’ Five Reasons.

1. Mantyhose are easier to sell than Spanx.

Assertion:  It’s not making headlines, but Spanx isn’t just for women.

Refutation: Here’s a headline – Spanx IS just for women.

2. Mantyhose are no less manly than legwear past.

Assertion:  Mantyhose are an opportunity to out-Washington Washington.

Refutation:  Mantyhose are actually less manly than MOST legwear past.  The legwear past that are NOT manlier than Mantyhose are “past” for that very reason.  Nice try.

Mr. Poulos also puts forth the  argument that “The idea that making such choices is an inherently girlish or fanciful thing to do is just a gender construct“.  Yeah, I got my Fine Arts Degree, and I haven’t had to read the words “gender construct” since then.  You broke my streak on that, James Poulos, and this is my revenge.

3. Mantyhose are way less ugly than other bad fashion choices.

Assertion:  Mantyhose offer an uncomplicated, even austere alternative to fashion debacles past, present, and future, including double-pleated pants, Uggs, ’90s ties… and unbuttoned-up vests. Continue Reading…