Every year, over 9,000 people are killed with firearms and just over 10,000 die in crashes involving a drunk driver. From a numbers standpoint, this means that we need a solution to the drunk driving problem as surely as we need a solution to curbing gun violence, and everybody knows that if you need a problem solved, it’s the folks in Washington who know how to solve it.
In regards to gun violence, the Great Orator, Barak Obama, recently said “if we can only do one thing to stop it, we should all try and do that.”
I’m not sure that the President has actually come up with one thing yet that will help yet, so perhaps his gun control principles will work better if we apply them to the problem of drunk driving.
So here we go…
Obama Administration Gun Control Principles as a Solution to End Drunk Driving:
1. Outlaw High Capacity Rounds
We’re going to enact a 10-round limit on ammunition magazines? Enact a 2-round limit at bars. Yes, it’s true that the loophole to this 2 round limit will be that drinkers will simply reload at another bar (which, of course, requires driving), but the limit will help lawmakers prove that they care.
2. Outlaw High Powered Beverages
It’s Mayor Bloomberg and Barak Obama rolled into one! We must bring an end to high capacity weapons of mass intoxication. Really, why does anyone buy vodka? For the taste? We must eliminate high alcohol capacity beverages completely. If the only alcohol people can buy is 3.2% beer, the era of drunk driving will be over. Prohibition worked great the first time around, let’s give it a go again!
3. Universal Background Stupidity Checks – The INSIPID Project
Alcohol must be kept out of the hands of stupid people. While in the past this responsibility was thought to be held by friends and family of the stupid, we cannot rely on citizens to fulfill this role…we need to empower the government to do it for us. To make background checks effective, the federal government needs to immediately fund a $4 Billion dollar initiative to develop INSIPID (Integrated Nanny State Ignorant People Intrusive Database).
Integral to the creation of this database will be the elimination of web privacy. Anyone who Google searches chugging contest will immediately be flagged, but people who search things like Piers Morgan Fan Club, Quote-able Chris Matthews, or I can’t name a state without the letter “a” in it will also be flagged as too stupid to be trusted with alcohol.
INSIPID will effectively curb drunk driving because we know that people only drink the alcohol they purchase themselves. They never drink booze purchased by friends or family, and they never steal alcohol. Ever.